Can i not drive my cunt home
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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