Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
