I haven't been this sober since birth.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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