if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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