Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize