Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
