I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Randomize
