woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I love how my cats smell like pot.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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