Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
