Jerry, you need to find god
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
