There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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