If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
