I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
