If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
