I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Randomize
