is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
