I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
