Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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