Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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