idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
