I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
