Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
My feet surprised me
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
