Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
