I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
