Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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