im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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