Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Randomize
