Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
