Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
