Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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