I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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