I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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