My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
