when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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