She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
A+ Viking dick
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
