Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
