no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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