The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
