He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
