There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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