that's an acceptable place to lick
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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