as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
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