There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
