I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
