A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
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