yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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