Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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