They should really pass out barf bags in church
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
