sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
