i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
