oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
