I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
