It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
