Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
