My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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